GUASTI

Then… this man actually made music with his anus?

BOSKORSKY

Of course… his colon was a polytongued organ and he could fire it as if from a magaxine of a gune. At least a dozen tropes of musical modes of which he chose only those that had artistic merit. It’s amazing La Pet became so wealthy from his fete or rather his rectum, I should say, he bought the Moulin Rouge, where he performed. He was the toast of the continent!

(STANDS)

All dressed-up in top hat, tuxedo and tails… on stage a spotlight was always on his backside of his pants, which was split, of course, so the audience could hear every note… I know, because I had the honor of seeing and hearing him perform… (STARTS DANCE) he was incomperable, (In Russian): Fantastic… tell you, truly a legend in his own time, monsieur La Pet. The Fart. (HUMMS the French Anthem)

GUASTI

(IN ECSTACY)

Wow! Wow! Wow!

JUDGE

(POUNDS GAVEL)

Order, order in the court.

CURTAIN COMES DOWN

– Timothy Carey, The Insect Trainer (1988; final draft 1993). Presented as it appears in the script verbatim, with Tim’s spelling and syntax intact.